Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
