for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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