ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
