Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
