We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
