also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
