I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
