Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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