You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
