You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
