I could have mohawked her pubes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
