the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
