Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
