If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
