You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
barbara walters just said penis...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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