i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
