I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
