the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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