Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
