my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
