if you like me you must not know who I am
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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