Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
