i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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