i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
