I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
