No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
