the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
