You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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