The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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