one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
