I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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