I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
