Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
