Your dad touched me again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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