went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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