wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
