I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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