It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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