I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
