I want to have your abortion
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
