I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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