I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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