I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
