Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Randomize
