i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
