for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
