I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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