she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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