dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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