Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize
