Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
