I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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