I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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