oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
